What brings you to a point where you need to make a decision to forgive?
And do you ever forget?
My mother always says ‘everyone lives their own hell!’ such a strong statement that I have been hearing since I was a child. I guess in a way it made me a person who tends to try to think with empathy. However it also brought the need to receive the same.
A very close friend of mine once said ‘you look so strong from outside – I cannot imagine you to be broken or hurt or even happy – you tend to miss the emotions which is proof of life!’ Well – he was wrong! I do not miss the emotions – I just do not show them! There are many covers – such as work!!
Just like you – I get broken, hurt and .................... a long pause here!!!
HAPPY! Define happy please!! What makes me happy? Who makes me happy? Where have I lost my smile? What about you? What makes you happy? Do I make anyone happy? I guess I do – at least I hope I do! This is the empathy part! I try so hard to touch one’s heart – it helps me forget to think how long it has been since someone has touched mine... So – here I say out loud! I am broken and I am soooo hurt! Just hate to admit it so I ignore it!
Here we are living day by day – stuck in thoughts and daily life with simple issues as I mentioned in my post ‘dilemma’... work is just a strong cover to hide the feelings – that’s probably why I still cannot get used to these up’s and down’s... this is why I want to change so many things – I guess I am in the illusion that eventually and actually I can be happy!
How can I expect to be happy if I have lost all the things that I enjoy – If I have just started to change things but not actually because I want to change them but more because I am simply alone – not lonely but alone! I choose to be alone because this is another cover to accept the fact that I am in such a mood ( which I cannot get rid of whatever I do ) that even Tbilisi ( a beautiful city ), my friends ( just a few ) and even closer one’s ( such as family ) cannot heal! How can someone be so social – so strong in communication – feel so lonely among the crowd? How can the closest be so far?
So here I am – asking these questions? Am I trying to forgive myself? Will this anger ever heal? Will I manage to forget the damage I have given to myself?
Here I am! Scared to admit love, endings and beginings – they all break and hurt me!