Simple - Forgive & Forget!

What brings you to a point where you need to make a decision to forgive?

And do you ever forget?

My mother always says ‘everyone lives their own hell!’ such a strong statement that I have been hearing since I was a child. I guess in a way it made me a person who tends to try to think with empathy. However it also brought the need to receive the same.

A very close friend of mine once said ‘you look so strong from outside – I cannot imagine you to be broken or hurt or even happy – you tend to miss the emotions which is proof of life!’ Well – he was wrong! I do not miss the emotions – I just do not show them! There are many covers – such as work!!

Just like you – I get broken, hurt and .................... a long pause here!!!

HAPPY! Define happy please!! What makes me happy? Who makes me happy? Where have I lost my smile? What about you? What makes you happy? Do I make anyone happy? I guess I do – at least I hope I do! This is the empathy part! I try so hard to touch one’s heart – it helps me forget to think how long it has been since someone has touched mine... So – here I say out loud! I am broken and I am soooo hurt! Just hate to admit it so I ignore it!

Here we are living day by day – stuck in thoughts and daily life with simple issues as I mentioned in my post ‘dilemma’... work is just a strong cover to hide the feelings – that’s probably why I still cannot get used to these up’s and down’s... this is why I want to change so many things – I guess I am in the illusion that eventually and actually I can be happy!

How can I expect to be happy if I have lost all the things that I enjoy – If I have just started to change things but not actually because I want to change them but more because I am simply alone – not lonely but alone! I choose to be alone because this is another cover to accept the fact that I am in such a mood ( which I cannot get rid of whatever I do ) that even Tbilisi ( a beautiful city ), my friends ( just a few ) and even closer one’s ( such as family ) cannot heal! How can someone be so social – so strong in communication – feel so lonely among the crowd? How can the closest be so far?

So here I am – asking these questions? Am I trying to forgive myself? Will this anger ever heal? Will I manage to forget the damage I have given to myself?

Here I am! Scared to admit love, endings and beginings – they all break and hurt me!

Dilemma

I constantly find myself in a 'dilemma' in many parts of my life...

Recently it is obvious at work – I feel I just want to give up! This is one side of me at the moment...

Despite all the patience, all the effort, all the care, all the guidance – I just don’t understand the simple mistakes! All the warnings, all the checks, all the trainings seems like not working at all! Howcome? Then I think – when I was at their position – when I was an agent – if only I had a Manager who would guide me... Well I had a few to be honest that really made a difference and of course I do not see myself from a mirror but their performance is the mirror of my management and I feel I am failing...

Then there is the other side of things – I see how my team works from the heart, they are good bunch of girls and boys who have dreams – they are young! They are at the very begining of this road which is a rather steep to reach the top! Should I be more understanding, should I be more supportive...

Either case – I tend to blame myself!

I could not recognize myself at work today – constantly complaining, asking, questioning... As I said – I feel I am failing!!

I am rather ambitious at work – yes - I do not see myself at the mirror – but I hope this ambition is not in a harmful way to others... I am dedicated to success / my business is based on targets. So I really work hard to explain the targets because I think if I manage to explain why – we will manage to achieve the targets... Well currently we are failing!!

Is the above my situation? Am I used, abused, naive and have I lost my voice???

Or is it the mood that I was talking about in my post ‘excuses’ that makes me feel this way???

I am attending a leadership training next week – hope this will my mirror! I love my team, I love my job! It is soooo challenging to have to express your thoughts using a second language but not your mother tongue – How I wish I knew Georgian or if only my staff knew Turkish...

I hope Bob Marley is right – I hope every little thing will be alright... ( with a salute to Lasha! )

The question

Of course that was the question when I was offered to be posted to Tbilisi....

I had applied for a promotion which required a 2 days maraton of several phases. I had to pass group discussions, had to prepare business cases and reports, go through roleplays where I had to handle ‘challenging’ employees. At the end of the first day – we were asked to wait in our hotel rooms for a call to be either invited to the next phase which was the ‘board interview’ or to be sent back home with the first available flight. I arrived to my room at around 15:00 and the call would be after 17:00. Longest 2 hours in my life... At 17:00 I was literally sitting on my bed with the phone on my lap.

17:05 – no call

17:28 – still no call...

17:40 – as soon as the phone rang I answered

‘Dear Seda – we are pleased....’

I didn’t hear much of the rest of the voice on the other side of the line!! I also just heard ‘please check your e-mail / interview details will be sent to your address’

I had passed the first day!! I didn’t blink my eye that night. My mind was full of questions ( as always – part of being a woman I guess – questions – questions – questions!! )

What if I had failed?

What if I would fail the next day?

What if I pass and they post me to a place that we would not be happy to live in? ( I had to think of my better half of course... What if my husband would hate the idea of moving although he had supported my application? )

What if I pass???

Next morning – I was so tired but was somewhat calm. As soon as I entered the interview room – I knew I would pass. Don’t ask me how – I just knew it!

And so I did – I had wished for Tbilisi... The wish came true... 

But I still had the same question on my mind