Simple - Forgive & Forget!

What brings you to a point where you need to make a decision to forgive?

And do you ever forget?

My mother always says ‘everyone lives their own hell!’ such a strong statement that I have been hearing since I was a child. I guess in a way it made me a person who tends to try to think with empathy. However it also brought the need to receive the same.

A very close friend of mine once said ‘you look so strong from outside – I cannot imagine you to be broken or hurt or even happy – you tend to miss the emotions which is proof of life!’ Well – he was wrong! I do not miss the emotions – I just do not show them! There are many covers – such as work!!

Just like you – I get broken, hurt and .................... a long pause here!!!

HAPPY! Define happy please!! What makes me happy? Who makes me happy? Where have I lost my smile? What about you? What makes you happy? Do I make anyone happy? I guess I do – at least I hope I do! This is the empathy part! I try so hard to touch one’s heart – it helps me forget to think how long it has been since someone has touched mine... So – here I say out loud! I am broken and I am soooo hurt! Just hate to admit it so I ignore it!

Here we are living day by day – stuck in thoughts and daily life with simple issues as I mentioned in my post ‘dilemma’... work is just a strong cover to hide the feelings – that’s probably why I still cannot get used to these up’s and down’s... this is why I want to change so many things – I guess I am in the illusion that eventually and actually I can be happy!

How can I expect to be happy if I have lost all the things that I enjoy – If I have just started to change things but not actually because I want to change them but more because I am simply alone – not lonely but alone! I choose to be alone because this is another cover to accept the fact that I am in such a mood ( which I cannot get rid of whatever I do ) that even Tbilisi ( a beautiful city ), my friends ( just a few ) and even closer one’s ( such as family ) cannot heal! How can someone be so social – so strong in communication – feel so lonely among the crowd? How can the closest be so far?

So here I am – asking these questions? Am I trying to forgive myself? Will this anger ever heal? Will I manage to forget the damage I have given to myself?

Here I am! Scared to admit love, endings and beginings – they all break and hurt me!

Home

What turns a house / an apartment into a home?

For me:

Order – Everything has to be stored in cupboards, everything must have a place...

Estetic – I like the small details – bits and pieces such as a small basket full of soaps in the bathroom or a photo corner of the whole family and friends...

Comfort – Comfortable sofa, comfortable bed, technology

Memories – I guess the good time you spend in your home vs the sad times makes a house a home!!

Finally location!

So since I am looking for a lot of things – my search for my home in Tbilisi was a loooong battle...

Back in February – when I finally passed from temporary assignment to contract – I had almost 3 weeks to find a house – which I though was more than enough. It didn’t turn out that way.

I asked to my Turkish colleagues and my staff who are local and most recommended Vake or Sabortalo area. Vake is really nice – with cool cafe’s and almost everything such as banks, supermarkets etc handy however:

Far away from airport ( where I work )

 I really did not like the neighbourhood – I don’t know why... Too crowded maybe or too cool! J

Next option Sabortalo – very big neighbourhood therefoere lots of options however 1 simple reason for a no no! - very far from work.

So with recommendation from my staff I searched for houses at Mtatsminda and Sololaki.

The issue with these 2 neighbourhoods is the comfort part – not many new buildings.

As a foreigner – when you search for a house the price automaticly almost doubles. I guess it is similar in Turkey so I did not mind that part much – my housing allowance does not cover all but most of the rent. However still when you get to know the neighbourhoods you get quite dissapointed when you compare the rent vs house conditions.

I do not know if it is possible to find a house directly from the owner. As I have mentioned on one of my previous posts I moved twice and used a real estate agent ( makler ) in both cases. 

For those of you who will be moving to Tbilisi you can use:

www.besttbilisiapartments.com

www.makler.ge

My first house ( could not call it a home L had too many issues ) was at Mtatsminda very close to Rustaveli Ave. It was a very nice apartment – quite a new one too but had many issues. In winter the house was very cold, there was a construcition in the apartment which caused noise and dust, construction in the street ( renovation of an old house ) and last but not the least the walls were damp due to the heavy rains and terrible infrastructure so during the 5 months I lived in the house – I tried to be patient but one day I had enough! Called the landlord and I was out in 1 week.

The issue is – when you rent a house in Tbilisi via a Makler you need to pay the house owner the first and the last month of your contracted stay. The last month is paid to the Makler by the house owner also it is like a guarantee. So I left my last rent to the house owner by moving earlier than 1 year! Oh well! My health is more important than anything.

Since I only had 1 week to search a house – I called the previous Makler who helped me search for new houses but this time there were no options within my budget in the area I was looking for. It was so frustrating! I would not have a house to live in in 1 week if I could not find what I was looking for!

Once all my options were finished – I was simply depressed! With no hope went to the internet and found a web site called Best Tbilisi Apartments! The apartments and houses listed are more expensive compared to many other options however the listed houses offer order, estetic and comfort J So all I had to choose was the location and it will be us who will add the memories...

With the help of my lovely Makler Natalia from BTA I found my new home and my lovely landlord and friend Ia! I already have great memories in this house thanks to Ia, Zubin, Su and all my friends who visited J

Despite how much I enjoy Tbilisi, how much I love my new home

I MISS MY REAL HOME... Ankara

So I join the rhyme of Marc Broussard ( although I am not a fan of Country Music - really like this one!! )

Take me homeeee.... 

Excuses!!

Since we moved to Tbilisi – I realized something very important about myself 

and I guess the human nature itself. 

Wherever you go – you must accept how you feel because if you continue the denial ( or the illusion )

 nothing will change!!

I had been caught in middle of several challenges over the the past couple of years which had really messed with my mood – when I look back to this year I realize how that mood also moved to Tbilisi with me! I regret to admit that over the last year – if my friends had not visited me – I guess I would only know my house and my office in Tbilisi!

Well – this had to come to an end!! 

This blog is a part of my plan to do the things I have always wanted to do but delayed due to several reasons ( I can use excuses instead of reasons here! )

So here is the list of things I already started:

•           Start a blog! Thanks to my lovely friends encouragement - done
•           Quit smoking! Thanks to my amazing team at work but espeacially thanks to dear Tamuna – done
•            Exercise & diet – I had already started this but taking it more seriously since I quit smoking
•            Move! I am sooo happy I changed my house – I realized how unhappy I was in the previous one. My new apartment really feels like home! So this is done too!!

Now here are the things I am planned to do before this year ends

•  I want to start taking Georgian Dance classes – I danced over 8 years when I was young and always regreted the fact that I quit – so it is late but never too late – I am only 33 years old!! 
• Kartuli!! I really need to improve my Georgian or learn Russian or both or at least one of them!
• Travel – Inside, around and in some cases far away from Georgia! I have been only travelling for work lately – So this year I want to discover what I am surrounded with.
• Take more photos – I realize the older I get the less photos I have – Which I should immediately change! Amazing memories started to fade away just because I have not documented them in one way or another and cannot let this happening anymore...

So if I manage to do all I have listed above – I hope you will have quite an interesting reading material in my blog! Above is the plan and this time with no excuses! J

no smoking!!

I smoked for almost 15 years... Tonight I just finished the 4th night without a single cigarette...

Of course like majority of smokers ( not all but most! ) I have been thinking, trying, talking about quitting for many years... Had a couple of attempts but always came back to the start for some reason... Well not a reason but more of an excuse... And the fact that I ‘loved’ the habbit L

This time – the only difference is I did not prepare myself. It was a usual day at work and while we were ‘chatting’ I came up with the topic –again - regarding my desire to quit smoking.  One of my colleague said ‘ you can and you should!’ a few commented ‘no way! She can never quit’ others ‘of course she can! All she needs to do is to decide’

All of a sudden I realized – my habit was discussed as if I was not there... It sort of gave me a chance to see how much I had gained trust within my team. Some seemed to have total faith in me while others obviously still had some questions...

‘I will quit on the 27th’ – As if I wanted to end the conversation. Why 27th? I have no idea... As days passed by – one of my team member seemed to take my decision so seriously that she reminded 27th to me on a almost daily basis... Days flew quickly and on the 26th while I was on my way for a smoke break her voice whispered ‘you know what date tomorrow is right?’ – The day had come... So who would win the debate... Would I really quit? Was I serious? Or was it a NO WAY! for me?...

Tonight I just finished the 4th night without a single cigarette... ( Thank you Tamuna for the support - thank you Zubin and Su for hiding the ash trays at home :))) )

Do I have any suggestions? Well not suggestions but here is a short summary of my last 4 days:

•          First day was the day of denial! Was I really doing this? Every time I wanted to smoke I drank a glass of water. I suppose I drank like 5 lt that day! It was not easy
•           2nd day was better – but I still avoided places of ‘influence’ such as restaurants, bars etc ( smoking is allowed ‘almost’ everywhere in Georgia ) 
•      3rd day I was brave – went out to a restaurant with team and the whole table was smoking around me ( well almost all table – at least it felt like it )
•            Today – I am fine... Started to notice smokers less – enjoying the fresh air at my house and feeling that I can breathe easier...

So I will try not to go back to this bad habbit!!  As below video shows it seriously damage the health!! J

The Decision

Decisions – especially life changing decisions never seem to turn out as planned. 

Maybe that’s the beauty of it – if you are prepared for the challenge!

Marriage, changing country are just a couple of ‘life changers’ that support the  above observation. Relationships for example – with your family, life partner or friends are not as they are shown in movies J. They are like a heart beat – ups and downs but never a flatline. So these ups and downs makes you feel alive. If you live with a pattern of a flatline = you have no colour in your life...

My first months here were more of a down – not in a disaster way but can be described more as an unlucky experience. I had to live in a hotel room with 5 days in Tbilisi and 2 days back in Ankara for about 3 months. I didn’t know those were my good days back then... Finding a house in Tbilisi was more challenging than I expected. For those who are planning to move to Georgia – I will post a topic on my experience later – I moved twice in 6 months so I do feel I have a word or two on this...

With having such a hectic travel schedule in the beginning I still feel I couldn’t say a proper good-bye to my family and friends. I guess this is one part that didn’t go as planned – I was hoping to have more time to say good-bye to my loved one’s. I did promise that I would travel quite a lot – at least do a weekend in Ankara each month considering we are neighbour Countries and flight’s are easy to catch. However this didn’t turn out as planned as well... I could not travel back to my hometown for the last 3 months. So lesson one – do not promise unless you are sure you can keep them...

While writing this – I stopped a moment to think if there are any regrets on my decision to move to Tbilisi. I have a feeling there are some – cannot really describe exactly what they are but I have some that I hope I will discover through this blog as well... However there are so many other things this city have offered me that covers these regrets and turn them into the salt and pepper of this experience.

I know I will never say  ‘I wish I had moved’ – ‘I wish I had tried’ instead I agree to the lyrics of ‘no regrets’

No regrets they don’t work...