Simple - Forgive & Forget!

What brings you to a point where you need to make a decision to forgive?

And do you ever forget?

My mother always says ‘everyone lives their own hell!’ such a strong statement that I have been hearing since I was a child. I guess in a way it made me a person who tends to try to think with empathy. However it also brought the need to receive the same.

A very close friend of mine once said ‘you look so strong from outside – I cannot imagine you to be broken or hurt or even happy – you tend to miss the emotions which is proof of life!’ Well – he was wrong! I do not miss the emotions – I just do not show them! There are many covers – such as work!!

Just like you – I get broken, hurt and .................... a long pause here!!!

HAPPY! Define happy please!! What makes me happy? Who makes me happy? Where have I lost my smile? What about you? What makes you happy? Do I make anyone happy? I guess I do – at least I hope I do! This is the empathy part! I try so hard to touch one’s heart – it helps me forget to think how long it has been since someone has touched mine... So – here I say out loud! I am broken and I am soooo hurt! Just hate to admit it so I ignore it!

Here we are living day by day – stuck in thoughts and daily life with simple issues as I mentioned in my post ‘dilemma’... work is just a strong cover to hide the feelings – that’s probably why I still cannot get used to these up’s and down’s... this is why I want to change so many things – I guess I am in the illusion that eventually and actually I can be happy!

How can I expect to be happy if I have lost all the things that I enjoy – If I have just started to change things but not actually because I want to change them but more because I am simply alone – not lonely but alone! I choose to be alone because this is another cover to accept the fact that I am in such a mood ( which I cannot get rid of whatever I do ) that even Tbilisi ( a beautiful city ), my friends ( just a few ) and even closer one’s ( such as family ) cannot heal! How can someone be so social – so strong in communication – feel so lonely among the crowd? How can the closest be so far?

So here I am – asking these questions? Am I trying to forgive myself? Will this anger ever heal? Will I manage to forget the damage I have given to myself?

Here I am! Scared to admit love, endings and beginings – they all break and hurt me!

Down and back up

Well – turns out I am not failing after all!

It seems like it’s all about up’s and down’s and the fact that I still cannot get used to them. I have always enjoyed consistency in every part of my life however the more I enjoy this - the more complicated it gets.

I managed to get my voice heard by my team – picked myself back up to ensure our team does not fall apart. The ‘leadership’ training worked – not the training itself maybe but at least being away for a week changed the mood.

I travelled to London for the training which was an amazing week with a lot of time to enjoy the city, the training, meeting with new people, catching up with some I knew for a while... A lot of thinking as well... I really need to buy a camera to add the visions to my words... L

Meanwhile I really missed Tbilisi but currently it is not the city I left 1 week ago – elections coming up – a lot of demonstrations I heard. I wish peace to this beautiful city and it’s people. I hope the ‘down’ this city is facing currently will be back ‘up’ soon  - just like me...

Dilemma

I constantly find myself in a 'dilemma' in many parts of my life...

Recently it is obvious at work – I feel I just want to give up! This is one side of me at the moment...

Despite all the patience, all the effort, all the care, all the guidance – I just don’t understand the simple mistakes! All the warnings, all the checks, all the trainings seems like not working at all! Howcome? Then I think – when I was at their position – when I was an agent – if only I had a Manager who would guide me... Well I had a few to be honest that really made a difference and of course I do not see myself from a mirror but their performance is the mirror of my management and I feel I am failing...

Then there is the other side of things – I see how my team works from the heart, they are good bunch of girls and boys who have dreams – they are young! They are at the very begining of this road which is a rather steep to reach the top! Should I be more understanding, should I be more supportive...

Either case – I tend to blame myself!

I could not recognize myself at work today – constantly complaining, asking, questioning... As I said – I feel I am failing!!

I am rather ambitious at work – yes - I do not see myself at the mirror – but I hope this ambition is not in a harmful way to others... I am dedicated to success / my business is based on targets. So I really work hard to explain the targets because I think if I manage to explain why – we will manage to achieve the targets... Well currently we are failing!!

Is the above my situation? Am I used, abused, naive and have I lost my voice???

Or is it the mood that I was talking about in my post ‘excuses’ that makes me feel this way???

I am attending a leadership training next week – hope this will my mirror! I love my team, I love my job! It is soooo challenging to have to express your thoughts using a second language but not your mother tongue – How I wish I knew Georgian or if only my staff knew Turkish...

I hope Bob Marley is right – I hope every little thing will be alright... ( with a salute to Lasha! )

Home

What turns a house / an apartment into a home?

For me:

Order – Everything has to be stored in cupboards, everything must have a place...

Estetic – I like the small details – bits and pieces such as a small basket full of soaps in the bathroom or a photo corner of the whole family and friends...

Comfort – Comfortable sofa, comfortable bed, technology

Memories – I guess the good time you spend in your home vs the sad times makes a house a home!!

Finally location!

So since I am looking for a lot of things – my search for my home in Tbilisi was a loooong battle...

Back in February – when I finally passed from temporary assignment to contract – I had almost 3 weeks to find a house – which I though was more than enough. It didn’t turn out that way.

I asked to my Turkish colleagues and my staff who are local and most recommended Vake or Sabortalo area. Vake is really nice – with cool cafe’s and almost everything such as banks, supermarkets etc handy however:

Far away from airport ( where I work )

 I really did not like the neighbourhood – I don’t know why... Too crowded maybe or too cool! J

Next option Sabortalo – very big neighbourhood therefoere lots of options however 1 simple reason for a no no! - very far from work.

So with recommendation from my staff I searched for houses at Mtatsminda and Sololaki.

The issue with these 2 neighbourhoods is the comfort part – not many new buildings.

As a foreigner – when you search for a house the price automaticly almost doubles. I guess it is similar in Turkey so I did not mind that part much – my housing allowance does not cover all but most of the rent. However still when you get to know the neighbourhoods you get quite dissapointed when you compare the rent vs house conditions.

I do not know if it is possible to find a house directly from the owner. As I have mentioned on one of my previous posts I moved twice and used a real estate agent ( makler ) in both cases. 

For those of you who will be moving to Tbilisi you can use:

www.besttbilisiapartments.com

www.makler.ge

My first house ( could not call it a home L had too many issues ) was at Mtatsminda very close to Rustaveli Ave. It was a very nice apartment – quite a new one too but had many issues. In winter the house was very cold, there was a construcition in the apartment which caused noise and dust, construction in the street ( renovation of an old house ) and last but not the least the walls were damp due to the heavy rains and terrible infrastructure so during the 5 months I lived in the house – I tried to be patient but one day I had enough! Called the landlord and I was out in 1 week.

The issue is – when you rent a house in Tbilisi via a Makler you need to pay the house owner the first and the last month of your contracted stay. The last month is paid to the Makler by the house owner also it is like a guarantee. So I left my last rent to the house owner by moving earlier than 1 year! Oh well! My health is more important than anything.

Since I only had 1 week to search a house – I called the previous Makler who helped me search for new houses but this time there were no options within my budget in the area I was looking for. It was so frustrating! I would not have a house to live in in 1 week if I could not find what I was looking for!

Once all my options were finished – I was simply depressed! With no hope went to the internet and found a web site called Best Tbilisi Apartments! The apartments and houses listed are more expensive compared to many other options however the listed houses offer order, estetic and comfort J So all I had to choose was the location and it will be us who will add the memories...

With the help of my lovely Makler Natalia from BTA I found my new home and my lovely landlord and friend Ia! I already have great memories in this house thanks to Ia, Zubin, Su and all my friends who visited J

Despite how much I enjoy Tbilisi, how much I love my new home

I MISS MY REAL HOME... Ankara

So I join the rhyme of Marc Broussard ( although I am not a fan of Country Music - really like this one!! )

Take me homeeee.... 

Excuses!!

Since we moved to Tbilisi – I realized something very important about myself 

and I guess the human nature itself. 

Wherever you go – you must accept how you feel because if you continue the denial ( or the illusion )

 nothing will change!!

I had been caught in middle of several challenges over the the past couple of years which had really messed with my mood – when I look back to this year I realize how that mood also moved to Tbilisi with me! I regret to admit that over the last year – if my friends had not visited me – I guess I would only know my house and my office in Tbilisi!

Well – this had to come to an end!! 

This blog is a part of my plan to do the things I have always wanted to do but delayed due to several reasons ( I can use excuses instead of reasons here! )

So here is the list of things I already started:

•           Start a blog! Thanks to my lovely friends encouragement - done
•           Quit smoking! Thanks to my amazing team at work but espeacially thanks to dear Tamuna – done
•            Exercise & diet – I had already started this but taking it more seriously since I quit smoking
•            Move! I am sooo happy I changed my house – I realized how unhappy I was in the previous one. My new apartment really feels like home! So this is done too!!

Now here are the things I am planned to do before this year ends

•  I want to start taking Georgian Dance classes – I danced over 8 years when I was young and always regreted the fact that I quit – so it is late but never too late – I am only 33 years old!! 
• Kartuli!! I really need to improve my Georgian or learn Russian or both or at least one of them!
• Travel – Inside, around and in some cases far away from Georgia! I have been only travelling for work lately – So this year I want to discover what I am surrounded with.
• Take more photos – I realize the older I get the less photos I have – Which I should immediately change! Amazing memories started to fade away just because I have not documented them in one way or another and cannot let this happening anymore...

So if I manage to do all I have listed above – I hope you will have quite an interesting reading material in my blog! Above is the plan and this time with no excuses! J